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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!