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Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I`d prefer something else.
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?