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You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.