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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
You can`t fix STUPID, but you can Numb it with a 2x4.
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.