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If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
everyone is BEAUTIFUL in there own way--your just to UGLY to see that
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
Does Holy Crap comes from Holy Cow.?
Line forms here for spankings
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.