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Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn`t it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance