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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
High-five a veteran today.
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"