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My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
I`m tough and can take whatever life throws at me ... Especially if its dipped in chocolate first.
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
The Teen Choice Awards air last tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren`t allowed to vote.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.