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If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone