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Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
OMG!! IT`S MONDAY ... What the f*ck do you think comes after Sunday, Sunday JR. ?
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
There`s nothing like hearing the laughter of a baby. Unless it`s 1AM and you`re home alone.
I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they`re and their. From now on I`m going to point it out, weather they like it or not.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.