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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?