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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
An awkward morning beats a boring night.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
Ride me like you stole me.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove... ..."I`m a zebra."
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?