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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
So... Where does one obtain minions?
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.