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Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.