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My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is