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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong