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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
I wonder if angry people know about naps?
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it!
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I just googled, "understanding women," the computer crashed.