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I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her