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One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… oh, never mind.....
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.