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This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
According to Debrah in HR, "Back up off my balls" is not the proper way to tell someone to wait for assistance.
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....