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I wonder if more children were conceived because of alcohol or more alcohol was consumed because of children.
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.