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If only life was as easy as getting fat.
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
am I the only one who would beat the sh!t out of someone for wearing a "forever lazy" to a tailgate?