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I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
If the sprayer in the sink can`t get it off and the dishwasher can`t get it off then I assume it`s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.