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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.