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Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions...
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...