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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
cofeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee... Wheeeeeeeeee!
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.