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I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.