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It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.