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I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
To-Do List: Nothing [?]
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)