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When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
I want it all and I want it delivered.
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)