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My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?
i like boobs
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.