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I wonder if more children were conceived because of alcohol or more alcohol was consumed because of children.
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?
Bad decisions make good stories.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone