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What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him got an Oscar.
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.