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My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the internet.
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.