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This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.