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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.