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Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?