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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
Types of like on facebook: 1.Stalker like. 2.Crush like. 3.I wanna bang you like. 4.Agree like 5.Pity like.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
Don’t jump to confusions.
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals, We would be planting so many trees. And we`d probably save the planet too! Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath :/
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon