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My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
Your pants say yoga but your a$$ says McDonalds!!
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!