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Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
He died doing what he loved: telling me I`m overreacting.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you`ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward