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I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.