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Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
Never underestimate the power of the web. -Charlotte
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.