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"Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It`s my first summer.
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.