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My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?