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If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
If you have really strong opinions on subjects that you know very little about... then Facebook just may be the perfect thing for you.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
So many fun things to say … too many relatives on Facebook to post!
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.