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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF