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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
"With a stroke of a pen your name can live on forever in a quote!... Unknown,
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.