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According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.