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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google and Wikipedia.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data