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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.