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Valentines day
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m an apple.
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Do you really have to breath that much?
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business