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What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?