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There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?
Whoever named anteaters, solid effort right there.