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I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
Raise the bar..? Like go and drink upstairs..?
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?