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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
Gun Control: Use both hands
I bet there`s a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.