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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
I like people... From a distance.
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
I look so young for my rage.
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out