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Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
I am a gentleman, based on the clubs I go to.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.