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I like it like that
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.