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You can`t fix STUPID, but you can Numb it with a 2x4.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
My life has a great cast, but I can’t really figure out the plot.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake