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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM child
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.