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Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
thinks that life was a lot simpler when I thought girls had cooties, and getting to the bottom of the sandbox was a good day.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.