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Besides creating dinosaurs are mosquitos good for anything?
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Music is best when it’s louder than I can think.
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...